Motherhood Becoming

I have known no reckoning like that of motherhood.

There is a common battle between self and child, between serving others and choosing my needs, and between losing and finding myself.

What’s right one day isn’t the next. The trick that worked yesterday is a dead end today.

I end each day with my mind racing, thinking of how I could have done better. I try to figure out the human my sons are showing they are, and how I can honor that. I try to support them in who they already are instead of molding them into who I think they should be.

I’m glad my husband and I explicitly discussed this before we had kids because sometimes the thought of a tame, compliant, obedient child sounds appealing.

But, then it doesn’t sound appealing, because while I’m still learning the human my baby is to be, I know my toddler is a little boy who heeds no system. Who has no innate buy-in to systems, structures, and questions and assesses authority before any adherence is shown. Who feels the shift in a room before anything is said asks, “What happened?” to understand what caused it. Who sees a playground and may play at it for a few minutes, but inevitably ends up roaming the field next to it to explore. Who has no qualms with his small stature and young age, and instead is willing to challenge anything he feels is an injustice to himself.

Calm, obedient, and compliant are nowhere on the list to describe my son.

But how much wilder, freer, and beautifully human is he? All that he is challenges me in areas I need it. I’m learning to advocate for myself more, not blindly buy into systems without first assessing their role towards me, and to see structures more loosely rather than permanently binding.

And oh, how lucky I am to have another son to learn from as well. The journey has only begun.