Your Perspective

The other week, my sons and I visited a smaller library in our area, and the sections were closer together than we are used to, so I was able to peruse my sections while my sons played and explored in the kids’ area right by me. I came across the Harry Potter Illustrated Books and decided to check one out: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

I’m now in the midst of rereading the latter three books of Harry Potter as time allows, and it’s been rather interesting. I’ve strayed from rereading these books and rewatching these movies as things start to take a darker turn. It is still marvelous work, and I’m continuously in awe at the world JK Rowling created, but I find it easier to read the first four books, where there are still battles of good versus evil, but the good is always much more fully victorious in the first few books. Whereas in the latter three books, we start to lose some well-loved characters to the ongoing battle throughout the series.

Perhaps most surprising, while rereading these, is my anger towards these characters. They could have avoided some of the heartbreak that is heading their way if they had just made different decisions. I’m reading some of these pivotal scenes and just annoyed that they didn’t make different decisions.

But I’m forgetting that I know the ending. And they don’t.

And then it hit me that I do this rather often, not just with reading. My oldest son loves to roughhouse with our youngest, but our youngest isn’t quite old enough to enjoy it yet. I’ll often warn my oldest that he’s getting too rough, then get frustrated when he crosses the line I just asked him not to cross, and he makes his younger brother upset.

But I’m forgetting that I know the ending. And my oldest doesn’t.

And this happens in other instances, too, as I sit with it. And it struck me that their actions don’t cause the irritation, annoyance, and frustration; my perspective causes them. Because I’m unwilling to relinquish the fact that my experiences are not theirs.

Now, is part of my role as a mother to teach my sons? Yes, it absolutely is. But I can do that with much less irritation and annoyance when I hold space for them to have their own experiences, instead of getting stuck on the fact that they aren’t having mine. It’s helpful to understand my perspective—where I am coming from and how I got there —but part of understanding my perspective is allowing it to stay mine.

Rereading the Harry Potter books gives me a playful encounter with this. I know I can’t change these characters' minds, and the story is going to play out just as it did the first time I read them, loss of beloved characters and all. But this playfulness has allowed me to gain a new perspective with my sons and others around me. While I hope to instill values in my sons, such as kindness and respect, it is neither my role nor my hope as a mother to have my sons view the world through the same lens I do. And part of my role is to understand how my sons view situations and encounters, and to help them refine those views to align with our values and their best interests.

Even without kids, think of a recent time you got frustrated and annoyed with someone. When you look at the situation, was it genuinely what they did that frustrated you, or was it your perspective that made the situation frustrating? Do you find yourself believing there was a better way to do something than how it was done? Did you see the way something could have played out, tried to stop it, and then got frustrated when the outcome you tried to help avoid ended up happening?

At the end of the day, I find it has always helped me to believe that people are always trying to do the best that they can. And when people mess up, it's rarely malicious, rarely intentional, and hardly ever fully targeted at me.

So, when somebody does something that irritates you, take a deep breath. Gather your perspective on the situation and sit with it. And then, hold that perspective in one hand while you also have the thought that people are trying the best they can in the other hand. Likely, you’ll find the irritation subsides, you feel grounded in how you feel, and you can make your next decision with a much clearer head.