You Can’t

I would give anything to go 20, 30 years into the future for just 5 minutes to get a glimpse as to whether or not I’m parenting in a way that will raise two boys the right way.

But I can’t.

Instead, I carry the weight daily of a million different directions that things could go, and I sit every night wishing on at least some of them, more often many of them, that I had made different choices. And I often find myself wishing that I could know if they’ll turn into kind, respectful, confident, caring, well-adjusted adults, so I can release myself from the pressure of constantly wondering if I’m doing it right.

But, again, I can’t.

So, in a way, doesn’t that also release the pressure for me? That I can’t know. I have no way of knowing the future. But I do know right now. And that’s all I can ever know for sure, is right now.

And how much else falls into this category?

This category of worrying about something, giving our energy to something, letting something consume us, that we can’t know? Anxiety about how we will do on a test or work meeting, worrying about how a talk with a friend will go, and wondering where we will be in a few years. There are so many things that can draw our energy, our attention, and our time. And, sometimes, that energy goes nowhere. It takes away from the present and steals away from now.

I’ll always strive to be a great mother and raise my boys right. But, when that worry comes up and I wonder how they will be in the future, I’ll hold my worrying heart and remind myself that all I can know is now, so how about I be present in it?